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Worst Christmas Gifts
by BeyondGoodAndEvil
Posted on 09 December 2009 | 6:29 pm 
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Ten items NOT to give for Christmas…
10. Razorba Back Shaver
“Ever wonder how to remove all of the hair from your back? Wonder no more…” Only $29.99
9. Perv The Elf
“Perv The Elf” is the gift you don’t want your creepy uncle-in-law giving to your kid for Christmas.
A toy with a difference, “PERV the Elf™ is a hilarious plush elf with a HUGE secret. Press his hand and he’ll waggle his tongue and remark with any one of 10+ raunchy ‘holiday-related’ phrases. PLUS… while his tongue waggles, his ‘PACKAGE’ bulges in and out…” Price: $$19.98
8. Fake Tattoo Sleeves
Always wanted to look like those people in L.A. Ink but you never had the inclination to spend hours sitting in a tattoo parlor getting a dirty needle drilled into your skin? No problem, tattoo sleeves are the pain free and inexpensive alternative! From $4.99
Temporary tramp stamps are available here for under $1.00
7. Pooping Santa Candy Dispenser
“Sometimes the guy who says “Ho, Ho, Ho” has to “go, go, go.”
If you’re friends with a poovert, this is a steal at $4.99. If that doesn’t excite them, there’s an entire collection available at amazon.com
6. Select Doe Urine.
Why stop at candy poop? Know any avid buck hunters clinging to their guns and religion? This gift will definitely hit the target. “Select Doe Urine” through amazon.com is only $11.97 for a 4 oz. bottle. Warning – Don’t spill it on the antique rug.
5. Hillary Nut Cracker
Don’t mess with the Secretary of State, she’s ready to crack your nuts. And for those die hard Clinton fans, here’s a duo that’s double the fun – Bill Corkscrew and Hillary Nutcracker combo! -$28.95
4. Stripper Pole
Why let your college degree stand in the way of your secret lap dancing dream? Tiger Woods has purchased these in bulk. From $209.00
3. Small Size Condoms
Ever wonder what to give the trolls? Christmas is already under siege and the trolls need a snug fit for their little problem. Here’s a happy customer review: “I no longer have to go through the embarrassment of my condom slipping off over and over.” Price – $9.99
2. P-Mate
Girls, have you always wanted to stand up and pee in public like a man? Now you can “go” whenever and wherever you want, with the p-mate. 5 p-mates for just $4.95 per pack!
1. Obama Nation Card Game
If you have wingnut relatives who love teabagging, this is perfect!
“Don’t blame the player, blame the game. Spend as much US Taxpayer money by passing ‘Pork’ spending bills in Congress. The player that spends the most Pork by game end wins. Of course, the US Government is bankrupt by then so everybody else loses. For 3-6 players.”
Obama nation card game. Price $ 7.99
Bonus Items!
Why leave your beloved pets out this Xmas?
1. Bark’n Boots™
Paws are outdated when it comes to dog fashion. Put Bark’n Boots on all fours and your dog will love you so much more. Price: $59.95
2. Astrology for Cats
Ever wondered why your feline friend is so different from you? The key to understanding why your cat pissed on your bed, or scratched up your furniture are in the stars, apparently.
Price: $8.95
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58 Responses to “Worst Christmas Gifts”
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241,609 Comments Since March 2009 
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here’s an entire collection available at amazon.com….However I heard about AmazingWatcher.Com which is a free website that will “watch” items for you on Amazon and let you know when amazon has them in stock at regular retail price.
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December 19th, 2009 at 9:39 am
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Welcome to the range, IrvingHebert.
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December 19th, 2009 at 9:46 am
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Welcome.
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It’s been a fun shut-in-weather week with you’s guys. I just have to get to bed now! See you all next week!
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
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Good night, zooz, I wish safe and pleasant flights upon you.
(And, wear long sleeves, tee-hee.) ♥
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My sister’s former mother-in-law once gave her a bottle of FDS for Christmas.
We still laugh about it.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
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Yes, indeed.
The old woman was—and is—utterly without class, and she’s tighter than bark on a tree, too.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
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LOL! Was is No. 5?
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
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Now look who’s on a roll!!!!
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
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Are you kidding????
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I remember when I was little. Don’t know what my father was thinking. Gave my mother a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.
She got even. His birthday was in January.
She bought him a fox fur jacket (her size, of course)
He never gave her another household item
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
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she could have just sucked up his cash with that vacuum … I mean, that’s one way to go
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
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It still amazes us. We had a maid. He wasn’t even giving my mother something she would use!
Of course, those were the days of “Mad Men” where stores had special “Mens’ Night Shopping” (with fully stocked bars).
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
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Now THAT was a good salesperson!!!
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
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Aw man, that’s not fair. You guys have all the fun. Stocked bars, EP, tell us ’bout the good ol’ days…
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
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he should have had “Joan” pick it out.
my dad always gave my mom the most fabulous gifts … I’m sure he had his girlfriend pick them out.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
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Maybe that’s why he chose something shitty.
No girlfriend!
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My OC country club alkee stepfather gave me the Hillary nutcracker years ago. Who knew he would turn out to be the “nice one” in that household?
I should probs go pick up the Bill Corkscrew to complete the set
I guess next they’ll have the Jewish Chelsea bris blade when she converts
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December 10th, 2009 at 11:02 am
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LMAO!
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I will admit to purchasing the pooping sheep and deer for my kids a couple Christmases ago. What can I say.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
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I just noticed those! I did, too, for my triplet nieces and nephew!
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
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you’re a fun mom with a sense of humor who understands adolescent lingo.
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These gifts are a hoot! I’m definitely interested in the tatoo sleeves, they look so real.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
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don’t do it … they were the rage here a few years ago amongst the poseurs and wannabes and it really didn’t work out well for those poor souls
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
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I would definitely be wearing those just to be silly….
I am wondering why we don’t have “hosiery” for our arms, though. The older I get, the more I have been noticing my arms…
Hey, and the hose could go all the way down and cover the fingers. And they could have painted little nails on them, or they could be fingerless!
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
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Well, we need something with all those 3/4 sleeve coats and sweaters out there. What’s up with THAT? How the hell we s’posed to keep our arms warm????
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
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you’re supposed to wear longer gloves with a 3/4 sleeve coat.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
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But when you get inside, you take off your coat and gloves, and ta-da! You have on 3/4 length sleeve sweater or shirt. brrrrrrrrr
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
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Forgot the smilie….
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
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if you wear them with irony, that’s funny. you have to pair them with something so diametrically opposed in ideology that it’s just completely off-the-wall.
Like pairing Converse with pearls … or a turned-up collared Polo with a Mohawk.
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
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You mean the tattoo sleeves or my arm hosiery?
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
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there is a difference?
the dancers here wear those … but it looks normal on them … anyone else just looks like a complete tool in arm hosiery
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
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You mean there really is such a thing? I did not know that…
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
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That’s the one I covet, too. I wanna look like a biker lady (or maybe like one of Tiger’s women!)
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
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Oh heck, just want them for a joke. I want to wear them to the office and freak everybody out. You mean people actually wore them for realzies? Ha ha…
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
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I know! Isn’t that hilarious????
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
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well, by people, I mean middle schoolers … they are the same people what last year called themselves “SCENE” and bought an entire wardrobe at Hot Topik
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This is a great post, BGE! Hilarious. I have seen those lady pee things in a camping store!!! Tattooo sleeves!!! Woohoo!
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Here, I’ll go put on my outfit for him.
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December 9th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
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oops, this was supposed to be in reply to kelly about the UPS guy…..
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December 9th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
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LOL — I hate it when that happens!
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December 9th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
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Babs has upgraded her image, in case you hadn’t heard … think refined lady in PEARLS
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December 10th, 2009 at 11:30 am
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Oh I know. She is a pearl herself. Thankfully she’s extricated herself from the oyster.
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December 9th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
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There’s plenty of bad taste out there, that’s for sure.
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ewwwwwww!!!!! I am proud to announce that I have NOT gone to any mall this season … yet. Have bought everything online, and it was all specifically picked out by the giftee.
I am sure I will be venturing out to buy some gifts for staff and whatnot. But I will order client and broker gifts and have them shipped directly to the giftee.
I love the intertubes!!!
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December 9th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
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It’s great for presents.
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December 9th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
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December 9th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
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Make sure she doesn’t peek! And, also make sure you greet the UPS guy in proper attire….
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December 9th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
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Your body’s big enemy? You’re sitting on it
Most of us spend our days on our behinds — and it’s killing us
You might not want to take the following stat sitting down: According to a poll of nearly 6,300 people by the Institute for Medicine and Public Health, it’s likely that you spend a stunning 56 hours a week planted like a geranium — staring at your computer screen, working the steering wheel, or collapsed in a heap in front of your high-def TV.
All this downtime is so unhealthy that it’s given birth to a new area of medical study called inactivity physiology, which explores the effects of our increasingly butt-bound, tech-driven lives, as well as a deadly new epidemic researchers have dubbed “sitting disease.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34209499/ns/health-fitness/
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December 9th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
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apparently spending your life on your back (or knees) is where all the money is … at least that’s what Gloria Allred seems to be saying
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